


nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so...

by flannypack



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan-centric, Clubbing, Grinding, Heavy Drinking, Hwang Hyunjin is a Mess, Light Angst, M/M, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Vomiting, a cheeky bit before the angst, changbin has a bunny, genuinely, japan as a setting, promo-fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27343117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannypack/pseuds/flannypack
Summary: “I think you’re beautiful.”Truth. Not nearly the whole truth, but something very much like it.Hyunjin’s gorgeous smile slowly reappeared and he pulled some hair behind his ear with an uncoordinated hand. It was unbelievably cute and sexy and Chan felt his grip on Hyunjin’s hips tighten to something woefully crushing as he swallowed and could only watch.--hyunjin's a mysterious boy but chan is not a sleuth.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin & Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so...

**Author's Note:**

> HI so this chapter four of my fic Catcher's Mitt! i really liked this chapter and thought it could stand alone fairly well! even if it cant i think it's a fun read nontheless!

Chan didn’t know how to dance, but that was okay because Hyunjin on the other hand seemed to be intimately familiar. 

Hyunjin moved his body around like he shared the same kind of secrets with dancing that he did with everything else in his life. Felix, the roommate, more corporeal than Hyunjin but equally as wonderful, had talked in detail about his life after being dropped into Chiyoda City, yet, for whatever reason, couldn’t seem to talk about Hyunjin in any way other than a reverent caricature. Despite Hyunjin playing such a massive role in the kid’s life, deciding to live under the same roof as him, it seemed like Felix knew just as much about Hyunjin as Chan did. 

But, in a way, it felt like a sign of good etiquette to just stand back and marvel at Hyunjin, watch how Hyunjin handled his world; appreciate Hyunjin at a distance like an already finished painting. Felix might’ve felt the same way. 

Chan could tell from the look on Changbin’s face all night, he should’ve asked Hyunjin more questions, and maybe he should’ve, maybe he totally should’ve. 

It was just that, how could anything be wrong when there was no precedent for what was right anyways? 

All of Hyunjin was so beautiful to look at and be with. Everything felt right. 

  
  


“You can hold on to me,” Hyunjin yelled after some amount of completely unaccounted for time on the dancefloor. 

Chan forgot how long he’d even been out there, he’d initially used however long it’d been since the first DJ had gotten up on stage as his metric, but he was fucked as soon as he realized a new DJ had taken the first one’s place and he had absolutely no idea when that’d even happened. The music hadn’t lulled, or maybe it had? Or was it supposed to? Chan hardly ever went to clubs, he had no idea. 

For most of however long he was there, though, he was with Hyunjin, and he definitely hadn’t been touching him. He’d been mostly watching him, feeling inconspicuous enough under the dark club lights and drunk enough on somewhere around 10 shots of something or the other to throw his body around a little while he did so. He didn’t really think what he was doing ever mattered that much, anyway, because Hyunjin never stopped singing and dancing and Chan never, ever wanted him to. He could’ve just looked at Hyunjin forever, if Hyunjin didn’t mind. 

“I can what?” Chan asked, feeling something in himself start to heat up from deep, deep inside his stomach. Deep enough that it couldn’t be all the body heat dancing had been wracking up. The process of stopping Hyunjin’s kittenish face from spinning in his vision while Chan struggled to steady his eye on it wasn’t exactly helping ease his mild sense of panic. 

“You can hold on to me,” Hyunjin repeated, and he stopped bouncing and gyrating for a split second to take a step closer and gently brush his hands down the sides of Chan’s arms. 

Chan couldn’t stop his reflexive twitch, and electricity fired under the wake of Hyunjin’s fingers catching on something in him that should not have been so combustible. 

Chan had only opted to keep his hands off since getting on the floor, because as pathetic as it sounded, it’d been perfectly fulfilling enough to just look and enjoy Hyunjin enjoying himself. Chan hadn’t considered Hyunjin would want his hands on him, but as Chan’s skin continued to buzz underneath his jacket suddenly the thought was ricocheting off of every inch of the inside of Chan’s body, unleashed and forcing heat to rise to all the highest points in him and making him breathe a little faster. Suddenly, there wasn’t anything on God’s green Earth Chan had ever wanted to do more. 

“Okay.” 

The sensation of his heart beginning to palpitate could’ve made him sick as Chan took his own unsteady step closer, but Chan swallowed that thought and all the other ones like it that were gathering in his throat down roughly, because he wasn’t a child and he needed to chill the fuck out.

He moved his arms from where they were swinging in front of him for a lot of his dance moves, and opened his hands to find a spot for them on Hyunjin’s narrow body. He let out a drowned-out noise of surprise when Hyunjin suddenly beat him to the punch, tossing his head to shake out his hair, then flopping his arms over Chan’s shoulders. He curled a hand around the back of Chan’s neck and although his jewelry was freezing cold where it pressed against Chan’s nape, Hyunjin’s skin was hot and humid like the beach. 

Feeling himself flush Chan scrambled to catch up, God he was so fucking slow, and grabbed onto Hyunjin’s hips where the crest of them would be. Recalling a diagram of human pelvis in his head, Chan knew he was holding the highest part of them, the part that you could see from underneath the skin and the part that slotted right into the center of his hands. 

The music was becoming thicker and less distinct, coagulating into viscous noise that just provided a steady swell for Chan to ride on without any need to think. Hyunjin was still completely embodying it, though. His arms around Chan’s neck made no difference in how beautifully he swayed, like he was created to move to music. Like his muscles were made out of soundwaves. 

Chan let his eyes flutter shut, and felt the easy roll of Hyunjin’s body under his fingers where he was holding him. Letting it create ripples in his body starting from his hands, it pulled whatever moisture was left out of Chan’s mouth, especially when he started to concentrate on it, and manifest how much he liked it. He focused on how Hyunjin felt for a few seconds longer, then scraped together enough of his own mind to peel open his eyes again.

It felt so fundamentally different from how it’d been before. Chan could see his paint strokes, pink and white, purple and red. The sweat on his forehead and upper lip, mouth hanging open and eyes shut. 

Chan shuddered as he realized Hyunjin looked like sex.

Blinking hard, Chan wasn’t sure when or even if he was supposed to let that kind of fantasy start to seep in, losing his concept of the boundaries he might’ve been expected to not want to cross. Chan would’ve sworn he moved his head to look down at the rest of Hyunjin against his own volition, before he could find the right way to ask permission. At once, Chan realized how thin Hyunjin’s shorts appeared to be, before he got the chance to parse through any further, more intelligent thoughts. 

They were some stretchy black material compression shorts were made out of, and they elevated the feeling of every single twist Hyunjin did in Chan’s hands. More notably at that moment was that they were thin and tight, stretching over Hyunjin’s lower stomach and hips, squeezing his thighs. They were mesmerizing on Hyunjin, who swayed a couple inches away from the front of Chan’s crotch. He could be right against it if Chan pulled, but Chan had to resurface. He needed to recoup for just a second. 

What was Hyunjin thinking right now? What did Hyunjin want? This was about Hyunjin right now, certainly more now than it had ever been.

When Chan spoke, his voice was pathetically croaky. 

“Hyunjin,” he breathed, “Hyunjin. I-” 

“Yesssss?” 

Hyunjin turned his head down towards Chan and slowly opened his eyes. He looked like he’d been interrupted out of a dream. 

Chan stared back at him like his own veil’d been lifted, then immediately let the shame start plucking at his skin. Fuck, he should’ve snuffed out the fire when he still had the chance, before he let himself put his dick in the driver’s seat.

“I—I,” something smart, it’s too late now.

“I think you’re beautiful.” 

Truth. Not nearly the whole truth, but something very much like it. 

Hyunjin’s gorgeous smile slowly reappeared and he pulled some hair behind his ear with an uncoordinated hand. It was unbelievably cute and sexy and Chan felt his grip on Hyunjin’s hips tighten to something woefully crushing as he swallowed and could only watch. 

Relief hit Chan first, and then confusion shortly after, because without a word, Hyunjin visibly seemed to lift back off into his secret headspace as his eyes rolled back and closed before he started leaning forward, towards Chan. Goosebumps erupted across every square inch of him when Hyunjin got close enough to press his nose against the side of Chan’s head.

Okay, so that went well? As well as it could’ve considering it did nothing consequential, but Chan wanted to work with it, he wanted to desperately. Quickly, he opened up his arms to begin sliding them around Hyunjin’s waist, attempting to show that he was cool, it was good, Hyunjin didn’t need to say shit. However, he froze the very second Hyunjin’s lips pressed against the shell of his ear, warm and pretty and moving as he whispered. 

“Chan, do you want to fuck me?” 

Oh, God.

The walls crumpled into tissue paper. 

Chan pressed the lower half of his face against the crook of Hyunjin’s neck and the noise of the club was reduced to nothing but what was between him and Hyunjin. 

“Why are you asking...?” 

His voice was shaking, and he considered grinding his dick against him.

Hyunjin leaned back, which forced Chan to look up at him again, something Chan invited in a red-hot haze, wanting to look into Hyunjin’s eyes and see the same barely contained wildfire licking at the surface of his skin. For a second, however, for a split second Chan wished he could take back, Chan looked into Hyunjin’s eyes and saw absolutely nothing.

It was startling. Chan’s eyes flicked back and forth between Hyunjin’s then started combing around outside of them, almost frantically. What was this? What was any of this? 

Why _was_ Hyunjin asking?

Absolutely nothing. Hyunjin just looked as beautiful as ever, like a stained glass window, and drunk, smiling messily at Chan and dripping with sweat. 

At the same time as Chan felt his heart throb, enamored beyond any sense, his stomach twisted and he felt uncomfortable. 

Reality reinflated around him as loud and abrasive as ever when the smile suddenly began to slide from off of Hyunjin’s face. 

“Wait-” Chan rushed. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Chan quickly shook his head, Hyunjin must’ve seen him hesitate, must’ve felt guilty because Chan was fucking horrible at this and couldn’t focus long enough to be concise about his own feelings. Chan liked it when Hyunjin was a painting, untouchable, magical. Chan would rather die than rip Hyunjin out of his pretty reverie again. 

Hyunjin was shaking his head too. 

“No, I’m so sorry-” 

“What? Hyunjin, I’m sorry I can’t hear you!” 

He could see Hyunjin’s lips moving but he was mumbling, his voice was always so quiet. The club noises were still banging and bumping, completely oblivious around them. 

“I-I shouldn’t be-I shouldn’t have-” Hyunjin was speaking only a touch louder, but it didn’t even look directed at Chan, it was like he was speaking to himself.

Chan didn’t know if it was right but he squeezed Hyunjin’s waist with his hands, thinking maybe he could caress the frown off of him, embrace it out of his system. He wanted to undo whatever had been done as soon as possible, so Hyunjin would start smiling again and keep dancing like nothing else existed. 

“No no no! D-do—do you want to…? I can, we can!” 

Chan sounded so desperate, even to himself, but he didn’t want to make Hyunjin upset. He would rather die.

“You’re beautiful, so fucking beautiful Hyunjin, I could!” 

Is sex what Hyunjin wanted? Chan could do sex, wanted to, even. He didn’t think Hyunjin only wanted him around for sex, if that’s what Hyunjin was thinking. He only asked why Hyunjin was asking because he was curious. He was nervous. He was not _scared_ of Hyunjin. It was simple like that, simple and stupid. Chan was so fucking stupid, he wished he was better than that. 

Hyunjin’s face suddenly twisted up and he began squirming out of Chan’s arms. Fuck, fuck. It didn’t take much for him to get out, Chan let him go like he’d been burned by fire, even if initially he’d wanted to get burned. 

“Hyunjin-” 

Hyunjin turned away from him and started to elbow his way through the sea of bodies. Chan didn’t even begin to consider if it was okay or not to follow him, immediately moving too as he blinked the sweat from his eyes. He probably looked like a deranged monster tailing a deer, frantically pushing his way through clusters of people wide-eyed and wheezing, frantic and half-hard. Hyunjin moved fast, making expert work of winding through the crowd despite how inebriated his gait was, but Chan managed to keep track of him, just barely, tracking him with the help of his height and blonde ponytail. 

“Wait! Hyunjin!” 

His narrow body ducked past the vip booths and past the way Chan and Changbin had come in and into a better lit section of the club where the purple and red haze didn’t reach. Chan was practically galloping after him but Hyunjin didn’t stop moving until he took a sharp turn into a little hallway and slammed open a swinging door with the full weight of his body, veering into the dimly lit room behind it.

Chan had no fucking clue where he was going, everything was spinning violently the further away from the dance floor he got and felt even more confusing when the lights got brighter and the number of human bodies started to decline. He shoved into the same dim room right after Hyunjin, only realizing he’d followed him into the bathroom when he heard the unmistakable sound of heaving into a toilet bowl echoing off dark tile walls. 

“Hyunjin,” Chan wheezed, out of breath. 

There were only two stalls so Chan just stumbled towards the first one, then slammed it shut when he found it was empty and stopped in the doorway of the second one. His ears were ringing but his heart was fucking thundering, his pulse behind his eyes and in his head as he collapsed to slide down onto his knees and straddle the line between being too close and “giving space”. 

Hyunjin was sat with his legs splayed out underneath him, hunched over the toilet bowl where his long arms laid around the rim, his chest heaving as every gasp of air echoed painfully loud against the porcelain and against the bathroom tiles, sounding several times louder than it should’ve as it filled up the whole of the empty bathroom.

This probably wasn’t Chan’s fault but it felt like it, he thought miserably, looking over Hyunjin’s supermodel figure, that, weightless only minutes ago, was now collapsed, laying heavily like a sack on the bathroom floor. 

“I’m so fucking sorry!” Hyunjin suddenly cried, and Chan sat up, lifting a hand to Hyunjin’s back to stroke him and try and absolve him of all the things he could’ve possibly been apologizing for. Before he could, Hyunjin’s head suddenly came up from inside the toilet bowl and Chan felt the floor swoop underneath him as he looked at Hyunjin’s face. 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” 

Hyunjin was screaming at the ceiling. His eyes were screwed shut and his head was back as screams then dissolved into wet sobs that shook his shoulders and made him gasp. Mucus, or vomit, or both, hung out of his nose and dribbled onto his upper lip, and his face was wet from tears and sweat. Chan almost didn’t want to look at him, feeling like he never was supposed to, because this right now was a lot whereas up til now Hyunjin had decidedly been anything but a lot.

It dawned on Chan that it seemed like Hyunjin wasn’t even addressing him. In fact, Hyunjin probably stopped talking to Chan in general a long time ago, and Chan was just noticing it now.

Chan whispered, “It’s okay,” but Hyunjin was suddenly throwing his head in the toilet to retch again and Chan was guilted into silence. He didn’t think he’d have sex with Hyunjin that night, but he didn’t think he’d be watching whatever this might’ve been either. Chan didn’t think anything about anyone that night, actually. Maybe that was his problem.

“I’m so fucking stupid!” Hyunjin screamed into the bowl, hitting the heels of his hands against the toilet seat for a few seconds then slumping again and crying more. 

“I hate my fucking life! I hate my fucking life!” 

Chan felt reminded of a child then suddenly thought of Jeongin. But Hyunjin was not Jeongin, there was no comparison. 

“I miss my puppy so much I wanna come home I’m so fucking sorry! I’m so sorry!” 

“Hyunjin,” Chan felt his heart rate kick up again as he realized he definitely was _not_ supposed to be seeing this. Just knowing that there was a pet—a dog, apparently—in Hyunjin’s life that before now Hyunjin hadn’t mentioned to Chan felt like a breach of privacy. No, Hyunjin was not Jeongin, so Chan decided he was not the one well-equipped enough to handle Hyunjin like he would handle Jeongin. 

Chan attempted to shush him gently while he heaved himself to his feet, placing a hand on the stall wall to steady himself for a second before he could find himself on the floor again. His head still pounding, he turned back to Hyunjin and sucked in a breath of air, slowly taking in how disorienting it was to see Hyunjin so… passive… and corporeal. It was wrong of Chan to be there, as much as he wanted to melt into Hyunjin’s skin. He fucked up beyond belief and had prolonged the sickening arrival of penance well beyond his allotted timeframe.

“I’ll get Felix,” Chan croaked, and didn’t wait for a reply before rushing out the bathroom and shoving his beanie into his pocket. 

Chan and Changbin followed silently behind Felix and Hyunjin as they made their way out of the club and it couldn’t have felt more like a funeral procession. Chan wished the exaggerated comparison could’ve made him laugh, but Felix had carefully arranged Hyunjin’s fancy oversized blazer to cover the blond’s head and entire upper body, concealing the worst of him like police would do with a corpse at a crime scene. And, of course, the whole night was as good as dead.

They filed out of the front door one at a time, and when they all finally stepped outside it was like they’d arrived at the burial site, only a few meters left before they’d find the hole. 

Felix turned as much as he could towards Chan and Changbin, still supporting a tall black mass against himself with his pretty face so deeply scored with sadness it only further assured Chan that this, all of this, reached deeper than anyone was supposed to see. 

“Text me, okay? I had a lot of fun you guys…”

Felix was gorgeous, even when his smile was sad. Chan nodded and looked at the ground. 

“Remember what I told you about my place?” Changbin said, and Chan glanced at him in confusion before he watched Felix’s heavy smile brighten just a bit. 

“Your bunny?” 

“Yeah, she really wants to meet you, I told you I just know it.” 

Felix laughed a little—Chan’s stomach did a flip—and he nodded. 

“Sure, of course. Just text me alright? Hyunjin and I would love to meet her.” 

He then turned back to Hyunjin and pressed out a long sigh, his big eyes getting round and watery again. Chan noticed Felix’s eyes weren’t quite like Hyunjin’s. Where Hyunjin’s were inky and silk, Felix’s were linen and bright. 

“Okay, yeah,” Changbin said, wringing his hands then nodding. 

“You sure you don’t want us to walk you back to the station? Chan could carry Blondie no problem, I know he wouldn’t mind.” 

No, Chan wouldn’t mind, but he knew Changbin didn’t care about if Hyunjin might. He opened his mouth to try and include Hyunjin in the discussion, but Felix shook his head. 

“I think it’s better if we say bye here. We’ll be fine, I got him.” 

Chan knew Changbin was trying to draw it out for as long as he could, and he’d completely understand if they’d swapped places, and Changbin was the one who ruined Chan’s whole night. But, if, before shit hit the fan, Changbin had been dancing with Felix like Chan had danced with Hyunjin, felt Felix’s body roll like Chan and held Felix’s hips in his hands like Chan, then Chan could find it in himself to be more patient. He had hoped those few minutes would’ve lasted the rest of his life, so if Changbin was enchanted by Felix, Chan supposed he could sympathize. 

“Okay, okay,” Changbin relented. “See you soon, guys. I will text.” 

“Mhmm, alright. Bye-bye Changbin, bye Chan. Nice meeting you…” 

Chan waved and said goodbye, then watched as he hobbled off with Hyunjin, looking like he was putting a lot of effort into holding him as close to his body as he was. 

Once they were out of earshot, Changbin folded his arms and scuffed his shoe against the cobblestone of the sidewalk, huffing with contempt that Chan knew wasn’t exclusively Hyunjin’s doing.

“Chris-” 

“I know.” 

“You know what, Chris?” 

“I don’t know, I just know, Changbin, okay? I’m too fucking drunk for this.” 

Changbin was silent for a second. Then, 

“Well I can’t stop Felix from bringing him to my place, so.” 

“No, Changbin. I guess you can’t.” 

  
  
  


**Hwang Hyunjin ^^**

**Today** 2:18 AM

i hope you got home safely!

and i hope you don’t get a hangover :( 

tonight was awesome, felix is awesome and you’re awesome 

**Today** 3:54 AM

you looked beautiful, by the way. 

i just wanted to tell you again

and i’m sorry, seriously 

if i fucked up 

sorry

please don’t think any of this is your fault

i wanted to kiss you

okay i’m sorry that was maybe too much

i hope you’re okay

yeah

**Delivered**


End file.
